10 heroic lions, one stupid boy

Owing to a state of post-traumatic distress following the great injustice of a red card for a potty mouth and being unable to see due to the stream of tears coming from my eyes watching from the car park, I have little recollection of the events of the game, an away battering of North Shields.

I have therefore decided to write this report in the style of a choose your own adventure.

Please follow the instructions provided.

The mighty NHC 2s arrived in Whitley Bay on a: beautiful sunny day (go to paragraph 2)/miserable rainy day (go to paragraph 3) day/clear night (go to paragraph 4).

Paragraph 2: With the sun beating down upon the pitch, the North Shields team trembled in fear as the ‘clickety-clack’ of Brian’s knees emerged from the changing room. We executed our pre-game drills with precision, learning much about hockey, but more importantly, learning about ourselves. Sam V’s hair, a mane of mysterious curls, bounced in slow-motion: as he effortlessly hit tomahawk after tomahawk into the top corner in the warm-up (go to paragraph 5.)/as he drove a glorious shot over the fence into the back window of Brian’s new BMW. (go to paragraph 6.)

Paragraph 3: As the rain batted down onto the turf, Brian and David could be heard in deep debate as to how to stave off injury in the hostile conditions. During the warm up, Matt slipped on the surface and was declared out of action for the rest of the game. Following this news, I wept (go to paragraph 7)/threw down my stick in a fit of rage, vowing never to play hockey again (go to paragraph 8.)

Paragraph 4: The game was called off as the North Shields players were scared of the dark so we got a 3-0 walk over. (Go to paragraph 9.)

Paragraph 5: Inspired by his filthy goals in the warm-up, Sam V continued from where he had set off pre-game, capitalising on Paul de Bruyne’s precision through balls to bag himself a quick double. The three forwards; Finn, Alex and Matt fancied getting in on the action and bagged themselves a goal a-piece. Paul de Bruyne, having never scored a header in the league, latched onto Robbo’s cross from the right, sliding in on his front to knock the ball in with his noggin (go to paragraph 9.)

Paragraph 6: A fight erupted on the pitch with Brian unleashing an uppercut onto Sam V. Wading into the skirmish, to save the day, I used a naughty word which the umpire took offence to, promptly drawing out a red card. Down the 10 for the entire game, the 2s rallied to batter North Shields with goal after goal. Special mention to Alex for what I hear was a delicious finish into the top corner (go to paragraph 9)

Paragraph 7: My tears made the already treacherous pitch even worse. In conditions comparable to the whitley bay ice rink next door, the North Shields players all fell over at exactly the same time on six different occasions, allowing the 2s, with their peak athletic physiques, to overcome the Baltic conditions and slot away 6 goals unopposed (go to paragraph 9.)

Paragraph 8: Whilst I was storming off, the game got underway. Paul danced through the North Shields defence to score a solo goal, the like of which hasn’t’ been seen since Messi vs Ath. Bilbao. He followed this up with raking balls to Sam V to slot home. Matt, Finn and Alex all scored goals from 5-10 yards outside of the D – screamers into the top corner. The umpires, unsighted by the hammering rain, gave all three (go to paragraph 9.)

Paragraph 9: We remain top of the league. We got another clean sheet. Brian and Sam didn’t really fight. We remain massive. I have decided to leave the country to serve my ban. Howay the 2s.

Match report by Robin Inkersole