Cricket hits, clattering tackles, coitus, but also a few corkers

Past that however the pre-match rituals went off without a hitch: defenders beginning to transfer the ball steadily across a pitch akin to the sluggishness of JPA, midfielders and forwards setting up a shooting drill at the top of the circle and of course David’s customary ‘no talking back’ speech and then our pre-pushback shout of toon - bringing fear to the eyes of our enemies.

The match began fairly equally although Newcastle had the upper hand initially, with defenders, midfielders and attackers linking well to produce some early chances. After an unfortunate decision of danger for a ball into the D which reached ‘dizzying’ heights before being taken down by a Newcastle player, Gateshead countered quickly and efficiently to score first and bring it to 1-0 after about 12 minutes.

Knowing something had to change fast Newcastle made the decision to bring me on to effect a change in attack and with the pressure now on it was a cagey few minutes. However the substitution proved fruitful as just minutes after coming on I scored, curling the ball to the back corner after a brilliant run from Robbo, bringing the score level at 1-1 after around 15 minutes and confidence was restored in the Newcastle camp. With this revival Newcastle put the pressure on and Gateshead struggled to make it past halfway, just minutes after the first goal Matt put Newcastle 2-1 up, a lead which would be held to the end of the match.

In the following minutes the game would balance out with both teams having chances and seemingly the match was peaceful. However whilst applying pressure to a Gateshead defender a mist clouded my eyes and my ‘bruising’ tackle led to the Gateshead player flying head first into the fence, much to the obvious outrage of the Gateshead goalkeeper who was left baying for my blood; the aggrieved player was nevertheless not outraged despite this as he cleared me of malicious intent since we had both just tripped over and no further punishment was given by the umpires although it was enough to win me DOD. The rest of the half passed fairly uneventfully and we went off for sweets and analysis with the score still at 2-1 to Newcastle. Overall a relatively good half with good play from the Newcastle team and many chances despite the scoreline.

The second half began with a Gateshead pushback and was again closely matched although we did start better, pushing our subs advantage to wear out our opposition. About ten minutes into the half, Matt converted a short corner after weaving between the Gateshead defenders running out towards him increasing our lead to 3-1. This was followed shortly after by another goal from myself with some good interplay with the midfield, the first shot was saved but I put the ball through the defenders legs and it trickled over the line - this was kindly not stolen by Tom who was lurking on the goal line, making the score 4-1 to the good. Newcastle continued to dominate for the ensuing minutes and this culminated in me assisting a reverse goal from Matt, completing his hat-trick and putting us safely into the lead and comfortable at 5-1.

The game looked put to bed however another quick break by Gateshead led to a shot in the circle which Callum admitted to having left to go under his foot because he thought it was going wide - resulting in a self-nomination for DOD. Still 5-2 to Newcastle. The game almost flipped on its head as Gateshead were energised by their goal and dominated the following minutes. David’s ‘indubitable’ rugby tackle on one of their players then resulted in a green card from the umpires which also gave reason for him to receive some DOD votes and this was followed by Neil being tripped in midfield leading to a Gateshead free hit.

Soon after, the tide turned as David returned and a brilliant team goal along the right, finished by Sam, restored confidence and a 4 goal lead, 6-2. Then another ‘horrifically’ dangerous ball was fired into the circle and scored by Matt before being disallowed, score still 6-2. With Newcastle’s confidence restored we closed out the game strongly with another great team goal along the right wing, this time finished by Tom for his first goal this season and the last goal of the match, final score 7-2 to Newcastle.

Some other honourable mentions for DOD also include Brian’s intimacy with a Gateshead player - both being on top of each other for far longer than the situation required, Tom hitting a ball for six in the warm up which left it unretrievable and also Finn’s short stint in defence which left many seeking professional help. MOM votes were distributed between Kev for an excellent defensive performance and good communication during the game, Paul for putting in a great midfield performance which held the team together well during the game and the eventual winner Matt for another great attacking performance and hat-trick at centre forward.

The 2s extend their winning run to ten on the trot and remain solidly top of the table on 30 points, a well natured game from both sides despite the scoreline.

Match report by Alex ‘The Bruiser’ Tompkins